Let's Play Some Long-Ball...

The usual suspects are leading the pack at the Sony Open in Honolulu as I write this. Vijay Singh and Ernie Els are discussing who needs a new Maserati Quattroporte more. “You take this check.” “No, you take this check.” And, aside from Shigeki Maruyama’s hole in one on the 4th, the only surprise – to me, at least – was that Michele Wie didn’t make the cut.

She’s a long ball driver. That seems uncommon – but it’s not really. Not by a long shot, so to speak. 300 yard drives are commonplace at the college level. At least half the high school kids are knocking it 300 yards. And, there are probably grade school kids out there whacking the ball 300 yards, as well. What gives?

It’s a combination of conditioning, new equipment technology and, most importantly, coaching. The tools and information available to the average coach out there is mind-boggling.

I can hit the ball 300 yards, myself. The problem is that I’d probably whiff it on the first two swings and then when I did connect, it would be anyone’s guess which direction the ball would travel on its 300 yard journey. Certainly not down the fairway. I need a swing coach. So does Hank Kuehne (rhymes with “weenie”).

Hank can hit the ball 2,000 yards – on the moon. The trouble is, he couldn’t hit a moon crater a thousand yards wide. He hits the fairway so infrequently that it’s rumored he once said, “Hey, look! Somebody mowed the grass over here!” You’re only allowed fourteen clubs in your bag at any time. Kuehny carries eleven plus a machete, mask and snorkel. He’s no butter bean-y, though. He’s strong enough to hit the ball 360 yards all day long. He just needs to cut back on the caffeine-y. And, get himself a good swing coach. A stop-motion video of his swing looks like a Keystone Cop beating a hurdy-gurdy monkey with a nightstick.

The kids coming out of high school and college are going to change the face of the game forever. They will all hit the ball 350. Some will regularly hit it 400 yards and I believe a few will even top that distance. And, unlike Hank, they’ll hit it straight down the pike. It’s going to be a game of drives and pitching wedges. The middle irons will go the way of the mashy niblick. (Where have I heard that term before?)

Now, before we all start whining about the 500 yard Par 3s, I should point out that I could be wrong. But, I’m not. So, there.

Lemme no what you think…


S. Arthur Yegge
Philosopher