The World's First Trillionaire...

I’m trying to position myself to become the world’s first trillionaire. Somebody’s gotta be first. It might as well be me as the next guy. Right?

There were a few millionaires in the early 1900s, but only one billionaire – J.D. Rockefeller, a man after my own heart. Some said, “Capitalist;” others said, “Robber Baron.” I say, “You can’t make an omelette without breaking some kneecaps.” Or, something like that. If it wasn’t for some of those pesky allegations of questionable business practices, I’m sure the man would have been canonized a saint. True story.

Years later there was a bloom in the number of billionaires in the late 1900s. Today though, billionaires are a dime a dozen – so to speak. At last count, we were approaching a thousand of them in the world, spread out from Saskatchewan to Sydney. There doesn’t seem to be a country in the world that’s lacking a billionaire or two. But, we are tragically short of trillionaires and I resolve to correct that deficiency, forthwith. Fifthwith, at the latest.

After a significant amount of contemplation and soul-searching, I’ve decided the best way for me to become the world’s first trillionaire is to do what any red-blooded, hard-working, American TV evangelist would do: ask for donations. I’ll even attire myself in a $1,200 suit, some Bruno Magli shoes, and get a flopping pompadour hairstyle tinged with silver – if it will help the cause.

I first pictured a bank of operators – elderly ladies with blue hair waiting to take your call, bless you and collect your credit card information – with an 800 number crawling across the bottom of the screen. But, this is a computer; not a television. Anyway, we first need to determine who should donate and – of course – how much.

There are actually right at 890 billionaires in the world – even J.K. Rowling has her “bill” thanks to her Harry Potter books. I got to thinking that if each of the world’s billionaires donated a nice round sum to my cause, I could get through this whole unseemly process without a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth.

But after some ciphering, I realized that a “trillion” is slightly larger than a bread box. Each and every one of those 890 billionaires would actually have to donate a little more than a billion dollars – each! – for me to break a cool “trill.” Every one of them! And, I’d be asking the poorest 250 of them to donate their whole scratch! That’ll never do. We don’t need a bunch of poverty-stricken former billionaires roaming the streets of Beverly Hills washing windshields and begging gas money for their Bentleys. It’s just not right. “Could I get some Grey Poupon with that?” And, there’s really no information, anecdotal or otherwise, that would indicate those 250 of the 890 or so billionaires would willingly convert to destitution for the sole benefit of my endeavor – no matter how honorable it may be.

Having burned through the short con – using the world’s billionaires – I began philosophizing about the long con. With six and a half billion people in the world, I calculated that each one would have to pony up $153.85 for me to make my nut. On its surface, that seemed do-able. But, then I began to think it might be a little harsh, since a fairly large percentage of those six and a half billion people could live their entire life on $153.85. I mean, I’m not heartless. “You, you and you, bucks up and forget about living your miserable lives.” That level of ruthlessness wouldn’t necessarily endear me to Girl Scouts or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. So the question really became, “What level of ruthlessness can I get away with?”

I could have, say, the wealthiest two billion people in the world donate 500 bucks each. But, lining up two people, much less two billion people, to donate a lump sum of $500 could prove to be a daunting task. There is, however, a way through this untidy quandary, as it turns out.

I believe now that the way to handle this whole tout ensemble is to solicit donations on a Sliding Scale. That is, if you can only spare a few rupees, then donate a few rupees. But, if you’re like Bill Gates, sitting on a pile of cash the size of a small planet, you should be able to afford a donation about the size of Manhattan without too much consternation.

The drawbacks to this approach are twofold. First, it relies on donations. And, as you are keenly aware, unless I threaten you with a visit from Guido, the likelihood of your taking the time to donate, hovers somewhere closer to none than slim. And secondly, it relies on you, the unwashed masses, to make the final determination as to how much you can “afford.”

So, let’s set up some ground rules and then try to make the process for donating simple, if not pleasurable. First, the rule of thumb for “Affordability.” Here’s the formula:

Take the amount of money you spend on coffee and deduct the amount you spend on travel to school, work and church. (Note: Use $0.54 per mile.)

How easy could it get!? That’s how much you can afford to donate each month. I say ‘each month’ since I’ve decided this will be a one year program. The objective will be to hit one trillion dollars in twelve months. Let’s take a look at an example or two.

I ran Bill Gates through the formula and his total stipend came to $8,100. (Note: I annualized his coffee purchases.) He probably doesn’t do a lot of driving to church or school. I think it’s safe to say that $8,100 a month is a very reasonable donation – for a freakin’ billionaire, fer cryin’ out loud!

On the other end of the economic scale, let’s suppose a person doesn’t patronize Starbucks and walks six blocks per week to and from church. Voila! That person would be off the hook completely. (I didn’t say you had to drive, bonehead.)

Let’s look at a real-life example. How about, me? I’m no Bill Gates, but with any luck at all I’ll be able to squash him like a bug on the windshield of extravagance in twelve months. I buy a bunch of coffee and I also drive to work and the occasional training program (let’s not discuss church). Run the numbers and my monthly donation would be $160. Voila, squared! I can afford 160 greenbacks a month!

It’s brilliant!! From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. Wait. I think Kark Marx said that. Or, Groucho. Anyway, I’m a freakin’ genius! But calm your flighty hearts, Campers. That’s only half the equation. We need to hammer out the donation process for you, the knuckleheads, requiring real simplicity.

So, I have a PayPal account. How easy can this get!? It requires three steps and takes every currency from the Norwegian Krone to the Polish Zloty. (Note: U.S. Dollars also welcome.) For those of you who can only handle two steps, send cash through the mail.

I’m serious. Go to http://www.paypal.com/, click on Send Money, type syegge@yahoo.com in the To: field, and feel your heart fly as your wallet lightens!

PayPal. I love it! I can hear the ‘ka-ching’ even as I’m typing this document and it’s giving me goose-bumps all over. Be the first on your block to help make a Trillionaire. And, be proud of it!

We’re even going to have a motto, and perhaps some big lapel buttons too. The motto will be “I Ka-Chinged The Doctor. Did You?” I would go so far as to recommend using it as a closing in your e-mails. Text it to your friends. Heck, text it to your enemies too. They’ve gotta be somebody’s friends!

“I Ka-Chinged The Doctor. Did You?”