All Hat, No Cattle...

First in a series of articles on the state of gravitational wave theory, Pahd-nuh.

by S. Arthur Yegge

When we last left our hero – that would be me, as it turns out – I had just ascended The Chair of the newly-founded “Society for the Average Joe (and Joline)”. The stated objective of said society is to poke fun at scientists who can’t make a freethrow or throw a football, whilst concurrently providing (much needed) Public Review of their scientific projects.

That is, in the otherwise closed environment of scientific research, our loose-knit organization of wing nuts and drop outs will hash through a bunch of crackpot theories and harebrained ideas to provide some inciteful – as opposed to “insightful” – commentary on current scientific research projects. To put it in scientific terms, while not wishing to sound too technical, we will be the Pokers; the scientists will be the Pokees. Having laid the foundation, let us commence to begin, uh huh, uh huh.

I've been watching for years, with nothing less than fascination, the developments and evolution of the LIGO project. LIGO is an acronym for the “Laser Interferometer Gravitational Observatory”, and is a joint effort of the California Institute of Technology and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (smart guys; trust me on this).

The whole conflagration is funded by the National Science Foundation. Their stated objective is to detect and measure gravitational waves. Sounds easy. But, alas, no better men and women have been stumped by this one. LIGO has been beating around the gravitational wave bushes with a zeal and gusto not often seen in the past. The team is hyped. They’ve hyped the media. They’ve hyped the scientific world. But, it’s as though they are standing on the rug, whilst attempting to pull it out from under themselves. They could see the darned forest – if someone would just get those pesky trees out of the way. And, I say that with love in my heart.

‘Interferometer’ is a twenty-five cent word for a contraption which jiggles when you touch it – however lightly, if you'll pardon the pun. Picture a pair of long (and I mean miles long) giant tubes at right angles to each other that are connected at one end. Now shine a flashlight into a prism or something at the apex of the tunnels, which splits the beam of light; one half of the beam heading down each tunnel. Bounce the beams of light off the ends of the tunnel. Bring them back to the source and merge them together into one beam again. Now, don't move. Hold that flashlight very, very still.

You would certainly notice if someone accidentally slammed a Kenworth haulin' hogs into the side of one of the tunnels. The reconstituted light beam would be somewhat distorted. Now, spend a little more time and money, do a bang up job on the project, and you've got yourself the whole tout ensemble.

The object is to capture and measure gravitational shockwaves from “cataclysmic interstellar events”: the scientific term for a star going postal. As an example, you may not be aware of the fact that stars eventually burn up their fuel supply. Don’t worry. Ours isn’t due for another five billion years: mid-August as I recall. The stars subsequently explode, blowing the outer layers into space, with the inner core collapsing under its own gravitational weight. The explosion purportedly causes a gravitational shockwave that eventually arrives here on terra con firm-ish.

Black holes will even 'capture' each other sometimes, locked in a cosmic spin-cycle, until they collapse into one huge black hole. The gravitational shock waves occasioned by these types of events tend to be slightly bigger than a breadbox and more powerful than a locomotive – although they lose a little steam before getting here to Earth. All hat, no cattle, so to speak.

But, LIGO's interferometers are designed to measure these gravitational wavettes of the smallitude size.

Each installation will be configured in an L-shape with 4 km (2.5 mile) long arms, enclosing along its entire length an ultra high vacuum stainless steel beam tube, approximately 1.2 m in diameter, and interconnecting chambers. The beam tube will provide a path for the propagation of laser beams between the chambers; that is, according to their techno-jive. LIGO will actually have two of these interferometer puppies: one at the Hanford Reservation in Washington, and the other at Livingston Parish, Louisiana. How they arrived at these two locations is anyone's best guess. Someone was apparently throwing darts at a map that day.

The interferometer in Washington will have two beam tubes, each two kilometers long. There will be a corner station at the intersection of the two tunnels, an end station on each tunnel, and two mid-stations in the tunnels. These stations will "...house and provide access to the vacuum system and interferometer components, vacuum equipment, and instruments." As you can see, it's basically your standard-issue interferometer.

The installation in Livingston, according to their website, will be similar to the one in Hanford except that it won't have the mini-me interferometers, no mid-stations, and the corner station will be smaller, yadda, yadda, yadda. I think you get the picture here: Livingston is getting shafted on this project. But, that giant sucking sound you hear isn’t the money spiraling into the LIGO project. It's the vacuum they pull on those four mile-long beam tubes containing the lasers and mirrors.

Tune In Again For The Next Action-Packed Episode!

Actually, my first question will be from a list of questions that I’ll be asking in the coming weeks and months. They are as follows:

1. Is the LIGO group adhering to their own Mission Statement?
2. Is the interferometer conducive to this type and level of measurement?
3. What of background – and foreground – noise?
4. If light is bent backwards, will the scientists see their own butts? and,
5. How do you suppose they get those sailing ships into those little bottles?

S. Arthur Yegge - Philosopher
(As well as the Newly Self-Anointed Chair of “The Society for the Average Joe (and Joline)”)